Has anyone else been feeling incredibly overwhelmed as we approach September? I love the fall and getting back into our routine, but I’ve been feeling really anxious this year, trying to figure out how to balance everything and feeling like I should be doing better. As a type A, organization-obsessed perfectionist, I can get pretty uptight and heavily reliant on lists and control and trying to accomplish everything perfectly. But lately I feel like the lists are starting to take over and I’m not doing everything to the best of my abilities. Then I have these feelings of failure and inadequacy and self doubt, and my mind spirals with negative thoughts…
- My garden has been taken over by weeds… I haven’t paid enough attention to it.
- My house is messy… I’m terrible at cleaning.
- I keep forgetting things… I’m too scattered.
- My kids are acting up… I’m not being a good enough mom.
- I didn’t schedule playdates or follow through with people over the summer… I’m flakey.
- My fall schedule keeps changing… How am I going to balance teaching with being there for my family?
- I’m not in good shape… I can’t seem to have it all together.
This post exposes a lot of vulnerability, and I’m writing it because I want you to know that you’re not alone in feeling like no matter how hard you try, you’re not good enough.
I’ve been trying really hard to reframe my thoughts lately, so I go into this new season feeling less trepidation, knowing that I’m capable and doing my best, and that’s enough. My best friend gave me this beautiful wooden plaque years ago that says, “never forget how wildly capable you are,” and for the past little while it’s been sitting in my windowsill and not resonating. However, the other day when I looked at it, I took a moment to consciously think about those words. It made me think about myself in a different light, and I realized that I need to give myself more grace and show myself more kindness.
A few years ago, I learned that I place a lot of self worth on external validation, and it has been a huge challenge for me to learn to value myself without it. It’s a work in progress, but I’m getting there. One of the things that helps, is writing down my thoughts, like I did above, and looking at whether those thoughts are actually true. Most of the time they’re not, so I’ve been trying to train my brain to reframe those intrusive thoughts. A therapist once told me (now my husband repeats it when I start spiralling) that just because you have a thought doesn’t make it true.
Here it goes:
- My garden is huge, I have a busy schedule, and even though it hasn’t been my top priority this year, I’m still harvesting things. It’s overgrown, but producing!
- Life gets messy, I’ve tackled some big cleaning projects, and the house will always be in a state of continuous motion. For the most part, it’s clean and safe and organized, and that’s great. Are my windows clean? No. Is the floor mopped? Yes. Balance!
- I’m not scattered, I’m just trying to multitask and need to focus on one thing at a time.
- Summer schedules, late nights, no structure… That can be hard on all of us, and we are together ALL the time. Acting up is a normal part of childhood. My kids saying, “I love you, mama,” should be validation enough.
- Summer is busy for everyone, and things come up. Nobody’s fault, including my own! Taking a break can be a good thing.
- My fall schedule will come together in the next few weeks, and I know I can figure out what works for my family. It will happen, I just need to be patient (not one of my strengths). It takes time to build up a business, and that is an accomplishment.
- I’ve been running lately, and even though my whole body is sore, I’ve improved little by little. I’m becoming more consistent.
I know what works for me. I know that schedules and lists will help me keep my sanity. But I also know that I can get consumed by them and need to spend time on outlets that allow me to let loose so that I can be the best version of myself. I’m going to set aside some days from teaching so I can relax with my family. I’m going to continue running because I feel like I am almost over that hurdle. I’m going to read more and be on my phone less, because I’ve seen how it’s improved my mood over the past few weeks. I’m going to make an effort to spend time with people who fill my cup, and not feel the pressure to do things that drain my energy. I know, easier said than done, but at least I’m trying, right?
What I want to say as I end this post is, be kind to yourself and to others. If you needed some encouraging words, I hope this helped or at least changed your perspective a little. I think we’re all doing far more than we need to, and we’re all trying to do our best. On this journey of self improvement, of course we will fall short sometimes. It’s easy to forget we are capable when all we can see are our imperfections. We have bad days when we just want to scream, but at some point we have to let go of those feelings of failure and focus on what we know we’re doing well. Reframe thought thoughts. Ingrid Michaelson wrote a beautiful song called Turn to Stone, and one of the lines keeps coming back to me… “Let’s go to sleep with clearer heads, and hearts too big to fit our beds.” Pick yourself up, breathe, and know that you can do better. Do what YOU want and need to do to be your best self, the kind of person people want to be around, and the kind of person who feels peace and happiness.
You are wildly capable.
